A Summer Fashion Bullseye

Shopping for casual summer fashion is right up there with several of my other most detested shopping tasks: 

1. Shopping for jeans
2. Shopping for bras
3. Shopping for swimwear

I’m a problem child when it comes to summer fashion. I don’t wear shorts. I don’t own one pair. Not one. Shorts look dumb on me. I am thick through the middle with chicken legs. Not a good look for shorts. Ever. At my most desperate I won’t wear shots. Ever. Just to be clear. Not ever.

And I am busty, or to put it another way. I got a big rack. Big racks don’t work in cami’s with shelf bras or halter tops or strapless dresses. And I have a bit of a tummy. Some call it the “menopooch”. One of my besties calls it “the fopa” (pronounced foo-pah),  which translates into the “fat over pussy area”. Yeah it’s lewd, but it’s also shockingly accurate.

So basically I need summer fashion that is a v-neck/scoop neck, can accommodate a bra with reinforced steel girders, floats away from the tummy a little and is stylish without breaking the bank. And I want to be able to wash it and line dry. Dry cleaning is unacceptable. Basically I want it all.

I decided I wanted some dresses to fill the gap in my casual summer wardrobe. I work art shows. I sit at a lot of baseball games. I want to look fun, stylish and effortlessly casual when it 95 degrees out. And so I began my summer dress hunt.

I tried Athleta.com which is an arm of the Gap conglomerate of stores. Very cute stuff. I get their catalog. Clearly I failed to notice all models are 5’11, with 2% body fat and amazing yoga bodies. Bitches. Still I had hope and ordered 3 dresses but nothing fit quite right. And at $59-$89 a pop, the dress should make me look amazing. Not so much with the amazing.

I also tried Soma.com (lingerie arm of Chicos). Very cute stuff. I get their catalog. The models are a little less perfect. I ordered three dresses and struck out swinging. Back they went.

I also tried a few local places and came up empty. I felt defeated, unloved and a summer shopping failure.

And then…I went to Target…not to shop for dresses but for some other random thing, but I stumbled into their women’s department. And there they were…rayon blend dresses with a v-neck, twist knot front with an empire waist that gently floats away from the tummy without looking like a mumu. Score! Well – until I realized it’s July in Wisconsin and everything is thoroughly picked over so my size wasn’t available.

But then I remembered the internet.

Cue angels singing.

Even though it’s July, Target.com had plenty of dresses in my size and color preference.

I wept for joy.

For $60 I bought three totally cute sundresses. For those of you following along at home, that’s $20 per fabulously effortless, wash and wear dress. So happy. And because I must be having a string of amazing luck, I also stumbled across an uber cute Karen Kane designer dress, on the yellow dot sale rack, in my size (woot!) at the mall. Yellow dot is code for “so cheap you can’t afford not to buy it”.

So $100 got me 4 dresses which nets out to $25 a dress.

I know! 100% utterly fabulous!

More musings on a my ongoing mid-life crisis

After two years of reading the fine print on pretty much anything either an inch from my face or doing the trombone move and extending my arm from as far from my face as possible, I pulled the trigger on new glasses with progressive lenses.


They don’t call them bifocals anymore.

Praise Jesus.

And praise technology. Bifocals are now aptly named “progressive lenses”. They can call them anything they want. The reality is I need reading glasses. Sad.

Initially I asked my spousal unit to help me select new frames. He was well-meaning but his mode of feedback was as follows:

• Frame #1: “Those look nice.”

• Frame #2: “Those look nice.”

• Frame #3: “Those look nice”

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I checked out two pairs of the “those look nice” frames and brought them home to show my son to which he said:

“Is there a 3rd choice” and “I don’t want to hurt your feelings but those look like Grandmas glasses.”

Yeah. Back they went.

Then I got smart and brought my BFF to the eyeglass selection party who could offer real feedback. We picked out three pairs that thankfully did not resemble “Grandmas glasses” and yielded the appropriate amount of “Those look nice” comments from my family.

I pulled the trigger and ordered them and now wait patiently for them to be completed.

Whoever said “age is just a number” is a liar.

Bad Fashion Trends

When I attempted college (for the first time) in the fall of 1985, leggings and long sweaters were all the rage. I know. I vividly remember my “Gap” black leggings and this really nifty long cobalt blue sweater that had pairs of dice all over it. It was bad ass.


A mere 25 years later, leggings or “jeggings” as they are now called/long sweater phenom is back in force. Unless you are a woman who is between the ages of 16-22, 110 lbs and 5’10 tall…this isn’t a look for you. I don’t care how cougarish and hip you think you are. You must meet all the criteria. If you are shorter than the required 5’10 you should be in fantastic shape and wearing boots with a rocking heel. There is nothing worse than 40 trying to look 20.

I made the mistake of trying on a pair of jeggings just for fun. There are those rare fashion miracles where clothing looks much better on a real person then on the hanger. It happens. It does. But this was not one of those times. Seriously. It was so bad it had the potential for the “fashion don’t” spread in any magazine across the land.

I watch “What not to wear” and I own the book. If you don’t own the book, you should. It’s worth every penny. I’ve seen the show enough times to know that in order to lengthen the leg and look thinner the pant should start at the widest part of the body and go straight down. I’ve never once heard Stacey and Clinton say – start at the widest part and taper inward. Never. Not once. And why? Because it looks like a triangle. A bad triangle.

A great looking trouser pant and a pair of killer boots can hide 25 years worth of sins. You can’t disguise that with jeggings, I don’t care what kind of sweater you put over it .And really – like we all need to pull a sweater over our ass and hips. Cause that’s a good idea. It’s the fashion equivalent of putting “juicy” on the rear of a sweat pant. You might as well prance around town with a wide load sign on your backside.

And the sad thing is – this look is everywhere. Every brand, every manufacturer from the Target house brand to Ralph Lauren has a the jegging/sweater look…because somehow the look will seem better on a 43 year old woman with tummy pooch because it has Ralph Lauren on the label.

My advice is to skip this year’s jegging/sweater fashion trend. You’ll be glad for it. If you’re itching to be trendy, opt for an ankle book with a platform and a high heel. You can wear them with your trouser jeans and your legs will look a mile long. If you can’t walk in them you can always dangle from a barstool whilst sipping a martini. Very fashion forward. Trust me on this.