Coochie. An Update.

This is a much anticipated follow-up to the Same Time, Next Year post.

First…commence involuntary leg crossing.

Okay. Now you can read.

Thankfully my procedure time was bumped up from 3:00pm on a Friday afternoon to 11:30am on a Friday morning. I mean, come on! I know what my attention span is like on a Friday afternoon in the middle of summer. I don’t care what you do for a living. I’m sure the medical professionals of the world are just as anxious to kick off the weekend as much as the next guy. I wasn’t too jazzed about a room full of people with a “that’s good enough” attitude itching to find the nearest happy hour.

I am told the procedure went well. I was blissfully un-aware. The bliss was administered by way of the wonder drug Fentanyl and one other drug with a name too long to remember, by a very attentive anesthesiologist. I said “I want to remember nothing” and she obliged by pushing little syringes of liquid goodness into my IV about 2 minutes after I arrived in the OR. I love this woman. I would paint her house.

There was also Lidocaine administered, you know, in the coochie. I don’t remember this. I am glad.

When the Lidocaine wears off – say 3- 4 hours later it don’t feel so good. I recommend ice packs. Lots of ice packs. Ice packs + 1 vicodin + 3 episodes of Sex and the City. And maybe a dish of ice cream which may not help, but it can’t hurt.

I finally got up the nerve to take a peek at the cooch; to make sure the lady parts still looked like, well,  lady parts. Hard to say there was so much swelling. Bad swelling. Not good swelling like after a long 3-day weekend when you’re 21, with a hot guy named Brad. (Hypothetically speaking of course). Bad swelling lady parts that resembled a coupla Kielbasa sausages side by side. I know. Quite the mental image, isn’t it? Try living it. Good times.

All things being equal recovery hasn’t been too bad. The standard 2 naps a day for a few days, handful of painkillers and a couple dozen sitz baths.

Six days post op and the bad swelling is gone. Hallelujah! But the bruising was spectacular. I’m pretty sure he used a pony clamp. Again, glad I don’t remember. Not remembering is best for all parties involved.

Physician follow-up in about a week. I bet you can’t wait for another report!